Pattaya - fat old German dude's sex heaven (but not the place for us)

We decided to go to Pattaya as Kieran could do his diving course and El could do a TEFL course at the same time. We knew it was gong to be seedy, that it was the most famous sex resort in Thaland, but we thought we could handle it.

We arrived and had all our expectations shattered. Pattaya is split into two beaches: Pattaya proper and it's cheaper, crappier wannabe neighbour, Jomtien beach. The dive shop was at Jomtien, which is basically just a long road by the beach with high rise flats and condos where fat, balding, middle-aged white men sit around in pubs and on the beach with nubile young Thai girls. It wasn't seedy as much as deeply wrong and rather depressing.

Our accommodation with the dive course was a bit dingy, although clean and spacious, but it had no kitchen to speak of, not even a cup or a kettle so our dreams of cooking lovely Thai food were also shattered.

As the day wore on El became quite convinced that we'd made a big mistake and should leave and Kieran came to the same conclusion. So we are admitting defeat, sacrificing a chunk of non-refundable money (the bastards) and getting the hell away from here.

We did venture to Pattaya beach on our hired scooter just to fully explore before we left and found the Pattaya we were expecing - go go bars, neons signs galore and full on in-your-face sex tourism but somehow the Jomtien fat-arsed quiet "girlfriend" tourism is still worse.

We thought we should go to see a ping pong show or something but to be honest we lost our nerve when a fat old lady showed us a "menu" with girl on girl, lap dancing and rat in pussy!